The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

I did not like this film. At. All.

The worst part was the "thief", Albert, played by Michael Gambon.  He never stopped talking in every scene he was in.  He was rude and awful to everyone around him, but the worst part is that he never stopped yammering ever.  He was so obnoxious.  I actually had to turn off my netflix and go run errands, not because I had to right away, but because I had to get away from his atrocious yapping.  No, I don't care that he played Dumbledore.  I hope I never see him in a movie again.  I can't get his awful voice and grating accent out of my head. 

I noticed that as Georgie, the wife (of the thief), moved around the restaurant, her clothes changed.  At first I thought nothing of it.  I thought the colored lights were casting shadows on her dress and it appeared to change colors. Then, I realized that her entire outfit changed to match the color of the area! So did everyone else's outfits! In the bathroom, her outfit is white, the dining room is red, and the kitchen is green! But why does this happen? Is this some sort of theatrical gimmick?

Most of this film is softcore porn, which is fine by me. Sometimes I would look at the screen and be like:

 Another terrible thing about this film was their song choice.  It was the same high pitched song over and over and over.  Not a beautiful operatic song, a high pitched wailing song, like when the stray cats fuck outside my window. The cats make all kinds of high pitched noises and it sounds very similar to this song.  My ears were bleeding by the time this movie was over.

But the ending! Let's talk about the ending. Shakespeare already did this is Titus Andronicus. Except this time they cooked the entire thing, not just made it into pie. It's just so over the top; it's stupid.  I'm like, are you even kidding me?  I can't believe I wasted my time watching this film.  I'm giving this a 2/10.