2 or 3 Things I Know about Her (2 ou 3 choses que je sais d'elle) (1967)

Today's film is 2 or 3 Things I Know about Her.  Yaa, more like 2 or 3 Things I Hate about this Movie.  It's the absolute most narcissistic boring pretentious film I have ever seen.  This is the pinnacle of false intellectualism.  We have reached Mount Everest, people.

Within ten minutes you'll already realize one thing: this guy really hates capitalism.  Which is funny because here he has the freedom to express his opinion, but in the type of society he wants, he would be forbidden.  The worst part is that he freaking whispers the whole movie, meaning I need subtitles just to understand what he says.  The sound levels are absolutely horrible in this movie.  And if they can't even get the sound right, what else can go wrong?

The movie doesn't really have a story per se, its mainly just an excuse for the director to complain about everything.  If I wanted to hear constant complaining, I'd just go to my mother's house.  This film has no redeeming qualities.  Therefore, I cannot recommend it to anyone.  I will give give this film a 3/10.

Bridesmaids (2011)

Today's film is Bridesmaids.  If this is supposed to be a great female comedy, that makes me ashamed to be female.  It was boring, unfunny, and I hated it.  I'm too lazy to read the CIA torture report, but I'm sure this has to be on it.

The film focuses on the maid of honor, Annie.  She's lost her boyfriend and business (a cake bakery) and is very bitter.  She spends her days working at a jewelry store. Not well, I might add, since she likes to convince people not to buy rings since their relationship must be doomed as well.

Annie's friend since childhood, Lillian, invites her to be her maid of honor.  Annie feels out of place since all of Lillian's friends are much wealthier than she is. Lillian's other friend and bridesmaid, Helen, throws her an engagement party, which Annie embarrasses herself at when she tries to upstage her at the speech.  See, this isn't humor.  I hate seeing people embarrassing themselves because I feel awkward.  I've seen Kristen Wiig on SNL and I know she can do better than this.

Annie takes the bridal party to a dive restaurant, which gives most of them food poisoning.  It doesn't hit them until they go to the bridal shop and try on expensive dresses.  Then, cue the puking and diarrhea.  My husband makes me watch Family Guy all the time and they use this humor as well.  I always think whenever I watch a wedding movie or romance film, Gee I wish there was more diarrhea in this.

Then, Annie starts going out with a cop, Rhodes, for no reason than we need to have some sort of romance in a woman's film.  After all, we're women, can't have a film without romance, right?  Annie once again embarrasses us by acting a fool on an airplane, and later cussing her own best friend, the bride, at her bridal shower.  She is so selfish and bitter and brings down everyone around her.  They were going to have the bachelorette party in Vegas, but didn't get to thanks to Annie.

Lillian kicks Annie from her position as maid of honor, and she responds by trying to talk a teenager out of buying a friendship bracelet at work.  Her attitude gets her fired, and is forced to move in with her mother.  Then, all is forgiven in the last few minutes so we can have a wedding and happy ending.  The worst part of this film is not just the plot, but the sheer length of the film. If it were shorter, they could have crammed more laughs in there.  If they were any, they're too far and few between to notice. In honestly this film was quite boring.  I'm giving it a 3/10.

Blonde Cobra (1963)

Time for us to enjoy yet another intriguing short, and this time it's Blonde Cobra.  Well, let's see.  My daughter/co-film critic is blonde, and I love snakes.  They're so cool.  This should be great.

Well nope.  Why do I have to watch all these shorts, they're so weird! Nothing happens in this movie, nothing! Half the time the screen is blank!  If I wanted to hear unfunny nonsense with no pictures I'd listen to the morning radio show!

I could have taken a hot 30 minute shower instead and gotten more out of life.  I fail to see how this is art, and it's definitely not a film.  I will give this film a 1/10. I believe that art is something that time and effort have been put into, and this is not it.  I realize that many foods are more artsy than this film, especially sushi.  So instead of getting upset at this terrible film, please enjoy these pictures of beautiful sushi:

Shame (2011)

This movie is overrated, melodramatic softcore porn. That is it.  It is ironic that a film with mostly sex scenes left me feeling completely unfulfilled.  This movie is an extreme waste of time.

First of all, sexual addiction is not a real, physical addiction.  Maybe there's a psychological need that these people have, but you don't get withdrawal if you don't whack off every 6 hours.  Does it release dopamine in the brain?  Of course it does.  So does food.  Same way food addiction isn't real either.  "Boo hoo feel sorry for me. I can't control eating huge portions because I have a cundishun."  Give me a break.  Stop eating at Mcdonalds you fat fucking cow.  There was a study done recently where so-called sex addicts were monitored by EEG while shown a variety of images, including sexual, romantic, and non-sexual.  Guess what?  The sexual images did not affect the measurements any more or less than the regular images, and certainly did not suggest that sexual addiction affects the brain.  You can read a press release of that study here.  And of course debate is going to continue over whether or not it's real.  People want it to be real because they are weak and want an easy out to their problems.

The film is the story of Brandon, a guy who wants to have sex with his sister.  That's pretty obvious.  But he's ashamed of this and tries everything to hide it.  That's why he has so much anonymous sex.  That's why he watches porn at work and home.  He will do anything sexually satisfying to keep his mind off his sister.  He's safe until his sister crashes at his house.  He's angry but she reminds him that he gave her keys.  What is he nuts?  I would never give any of my sisters keys to my house.  But, he gave them to her because part of him still wants her there for sex.  The rest of him just pushes down this desire.  That's why he flips out when she starts spooning him in bed.

His sister wants him, too.  This is evident when she shows up in the kitchen for breakfast. She is wearing a sheer white shirt with no bra.  That is totally what I wear when I stay at other relative's houses too. She is always touching and grabbing on him.  Then when he finally comes to his sense, he kicks her out of the house.  She knows that he wants her and has been using this knowledge for a free place to stay.  She doesn't clean up her own messes, doesn't contribute in any way to helping pay bills, pick up groceries, nothing.  Now, faced with the responsibility of acting taking care of herself, she can't cope and tries to kill herself.  Good riddance bitch.

On top of this, bitchface decides to have sex with Brandon's best friend/boss because, again, she doesn't care.  When he hears his sister's moans from the other room, does the sexual noises make him grow weak and succumb to his 'addiction' by jacking off?  No, he gets dressed and runs around the block.  As we know, running releases endorphins and gives us a 'runner's high' which feels really good.  Oh no, is he going to be addicted to running now, too?

That's all there is to it.  This movie is about as deep as a toddler's wading pool.  I know what addiction is.  I do not need a movie to lecture me about it, especially something as inane as a sexual addiction.  I didn't lose half my body weight in one month because I was horny.  I'd tell the filmmakers to go fuck themselves, but they'd probably enjoy it.  I'm giving this film a 1/10.

Heaven and Earth Magic (1962)

Today's animated film is Heaven and Earth Magic.  I can't even properly describe it as an animated feature.  It's a bunch of random paper cut-outs doing random things.  Really really random things.  And it's not even well made.  It looks like a bunch of high school kids did this for an art project.

The worst part about this is not that it doesn't make any sense, but that it is terribly boring.  You might want to do other things while watching this.  You might want to crochet a hat.  Or paint your nails.  Or make a model sailboat.  Hell, if want to get up and make a snack, that's okay, you will not miss a thing.  Here is a depiction of me trying to watch this:

This was awful and boring.  This is the lowest form of art I have ever seen.  I cannot properly call it art; I consider it garbage.  I will give this 'film' a 1/10.

A Visit to a Small Planet (1960)

So, late at night, I decided to watch a fun science fiction B-movie from the '60s.  I was wrong.  This is not a B-movie, something that's inferior in quality yet fun to watch.  NO.  This film came from the bottom of the barrel.  A barrel so deep I need a ladder to climb out.

 

What makes this movie so awful?  Two words: Jerry Lewis.  He plays a teenage alien on a faraway planet that takes a joyride to Earth.  The aliens just look like humans.  Even the original Star Trek had better humanoid aliens.  There is nothing to let us now that they're aliens.  It's a science fiction film, you need to sell it or I won't buy it.  Plus, for a comedy, no one is funny. At all.  Jerry Lewis is so irritating, like a mosquito buzzing near your ear and you want to slap yourself in order to get rid of it.  I cannot stand his voice.  I cannot stand his mannerisms.  I cannot stand his face.

 

The dialogue was obviously written by high schoolers.  All of the jokes are either sex jokes or physical comedy. Also the culture of his alien world is the stupidest concept ever.  There's lots of eyeroll inducing moments in this movie.  I know that Jerry Lewis does not like female comedians, but trust me if I ever wanted comedy advice, he's the last person on Earth I would consider asking. 

 

Even for a late night B-movie, this is just pathetic.  This awful, beyond awful.  This is a shit-fest and a half.  I wish that I had one of those neuralyzers from Men in Black so I could flash myself and forget this movie ever existed. I will give this film a 1/10.

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

I did not like this film. At. All.

The worst part was the "thief", Albert, played by Michael Gambon.  He never stopped talking in every scene he was in.  He was rude and awful to everyone around him, but the worst part is that he never stopped yammering ever.  He was so obnoxious.  I actually had to turn off my netflix and go run errands, not because I had to right away, but because I had to get away from his atrocious yapping.  No, I don't care that he played Dumbledore.  I hope I never see him in a movie again.  I can't get his awful voice and grating accent out of my head. 

I noticed that as Georgie, the wife (of the thief), moved around the restaurant, her clothes changed.  At first I thought nothing of it.  I thought the colored lights were casting shadows on her dress and it appeared to change colors. Then, I realized that her entire outfit changed to match the color of the area! So did everyone else's outfits! In the bathroom, her outfit is white, the dining room is red, and the kitchen is green! But why does this happen? Is this some sort of theatrical gimmick?

Most of this film is softcore porn, which is fine by me. Sometimes I would look at the screen and be like:

 Another terrible thing about this film was their song choice.  It was the same high pitched song over and over and over.  Not a beautiful operatic song, a high pitched wailing song, like when the stray cats fuck outside my window. The cats make all kinds of high pitched noises and it sounds very similar to this song.  My ears were bleeding by the time this movie was over.

But the ending! Let's talk about the ending. Shakespeare already did this is Titus Andronicus. Except this time they cooked the entire thing, not just made it into pie. It's just so over the top; it's stupid.  I'm like, are you even kidding me?  I can't believe I wasted my time watching this film.  I'm giving this a 2/10.

Report (1967)

Whaat? This is not a film! I feel like I've been tricked.  Although, the film is titled Report, and that's all it is. A news report. About the JFK assassination.  As if he's better than all of us.  People die every day.  If he did not want to get shot at, then he shouldn't have ridden in a car with the top down in the middle of Republicanland.

The worst part is that most of it didn't even have any video to go along with it. I thought that was the whole point of a movie - a motion picture with sound.  If one of the elements is missing, it's not a movie.  I listen to the news report every morning with no video. It's called a radio.  Are we going to include morning radio broadcasts in the film list now too? I'm giving this a 0/10 for not being a film at all.

Hold Me While I'm Naked (1966)

A poorly acted film with a thin plot and it looks like it was filmed with a cheap cell phone.  But there are lots of nipples in this film. Lots.  The entire movie is only about 15 minutes long.

The top 1001 list covers a lot of different films.  There are amazing ones such as Fight Club, and then there are others, such as Clueless, and you wonder who would have thought to put something like that on a top list.  If you would like to see 15 minutes worth of lady nipples, you can either watch something on the pornhub, or simply find this gem of a short film on youtube.  Fast forward between the director's big head as he slowly walks for two minutes, and the other guy painting on a doll. Seriously, what is that about? Film gets 3/10.

Cabaret (1972)

The only thing worse than a silent film about the Klan would be a musical that has Nazis in it.

I can't tell which is more awful: the songs or Liza Minnelli. The worst part is that she never stops talking. Not even when other characters are talking. She is constantly interrupting them with her mundane bullshit.  Nobody cares! And I read she did most of her own makeup and hairstyling. Obviously, because she looks like a drag queen most of the time.  I really wanted to chase her with the barber shears I keep in the bathroom and give her a decent haircut.  And I've always had a problem with anachronisms. Then I see this:

This is not '30s fashion! You are not even trying!

Then when I thought it couldn't get any worse, during the song "Two Ladies" or whatever it's called, there are flashing strobe lights. I'm already under stress because I took my daughter to the ER.  Stress+strobe lights=seizures.  Thanks Liza Minnelli, I haven't had a single seizure in over three weeks and I really was due for another one, wasn't I? Fuck you. This movie gets a -5/10 (yes that's negative five out of ten) for literally giving me a seizure.  There needs to be a warning before a film or tv show if it features flashing or strobe lights.

PS my daughter is okay now. She had some stitches and had to get a tooth pulled, but she feels great now.

Rear Window (1954)

This movie made me so mad!  For the first half of the movie, the main character, Jeff, spent the whole movie complaining about how he has nothing to do because he's stuck in a wheelchair. Excuse me? I'm disabled and I get out and do lots of things.  I watch movies, write, read books. I have a full time job and sometimes I even drive.  So there's no reason for his constant whining. Then his girlfriend comes by and brings him a lobster dinner and he tells her to shut up! Twice! You don't ever tell a lady to shut up. That is disgusting.

And, he's just rude to everyone who tries to help him.  And he didn't even really see anything going on in the other apartment. Everything he assumed was just speculative. He just got lucky.  Then, the stupidest part of the movie is when the neighbor goes over to Jeff's apartment. Does nobody up north lock their doors? Then he goes and drops him out of the window.  Really? If he was so careful killing his wife that not even the detectives suspected anything was wrong, why would he be so careless as to drop a guy out of a window?  Why couldn't he have killed him in the apartment, especially since he was "too useless" being in a wheelchair.   Honestly, I could have killed him much more efficiently than that.  The only reason he was in a wheelchair to begin with is because he was a stupidass who stood in the middle of a racetrack.  I have no sympathy for him.  He is rude, horrible, and does not deserve his girlfriend. Everything he did and said is offensive to actually disabled people like me, who have much better things to do than ogle at girls through a window and just happen to think he saw something else because he's bored.  There is never an excuse to be bored.  And this movie wasn't even that thrilling or exciting at all. The whole thing was just speculative and then lucky.  This movie gets a 2/10 for pissing me the hell off.

Ôdishon (Audition) (1999)

   I was informed this was a terrifying horror film. It is actually a long drawn-out drama with a gross ending. There is a bit of shock value, but I don't understand how the main character, Aoyama, finds all this out.  He sees the man with the missing fingers in her house, and then it shows he was in his own house the whole scene. Where did the man go?  And the man in the wheelchair.  First he had a head, then he lost it, and now he has a head again. I'm not a doctor, but that doesn't sound normal.

I will give this movie a C- for wasting my time. I could have watched other movies for Horror Week.

She Done Him Wrong (1933)

There's not one reason why this movie should be on any top list. It's not funny enough to be comedy, not thrilling enough to be a thriller, and not scary or dramatic enough to be a horror or drama. There is little if any plot, and it could barely keep my attention at all. I don't even know what to tag this. I'm actually just going to file this under Crap.