Short Reviews of Short Films

Der Firmling (1934)

A father takes his son out to celebrate his confirmation and gets piss-ass drunk.  If you like drunken buffoons and Three Stooges-like antics, you'll like this one. 7/10

The Gunfighter (2014)

An unknown gunfighter enters a Western saloon while being narrated by Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec).  However, everyone in the saloon can hear the narrator.  As the narrator reveals everyone's inner thoughts and desires, they begin to turn on each other.

This short was filmed on the set of Deadwood so everything looks authentic. This short is absolutely worth watching. 9/10.

La jetée (The Pier) (1962)

A time travel short that is shown through  a series of photos rather than video.  A French prisoner uses a childhood memory to travel back in time (in order to save the present) but is unaware that he is the cause of the memory in the first place.  This film is the inspiration for Twelve Monkeys.  9/10

Méditerranée (1963)

A documentary featuring the beauty of the Mediterranean countries, but focuses more on the morbid aspects.of everything.  Too many bullfighting scenes.  Not a first date film.  6/10.

Short reviews of short films

Wavelength (1967)

It's just 45 minutes of staring at a wall. Reminds me of a slow day at work. 1/10.


Dog Star Man (1962)

I know that only the first part is in the list of 1001 films, but I went ahead and watched all of the parts.  Don't do that.  It's a completely incoherent mush of colors, mixed with random nude naughty parts. 2/10.

The War Game (1965)

It's Groundhog Day today, and what is his prediction for the winter weather this year?  Oh, wait, I live in Florida, I don't care.  It's also the Super Bowl today which I am watching right now.

Speaking of the Big Game, I watched The War Game to review here.  It's not about a game at all, but about the devastation and panic that comes from nuclear war.  Sorry, but no matter hard hard you try, a bunch of sand bags piled up against your house, it is not going to help against a nuclear bomb.

The main concern is all the deaths, injuries, and illnesses that arise from these weapons. Also, there would be a lack of food and resources, and most of the land would be rendered useless by the radiation.  Soon, the land will collapse into anarchy. The film is presented as if it's a real-life documentary, as if everything is really happening.  Most of the film is all scare tactics, which makes me wonder, what is the purpose of this film?  Simply to scare citizens?  I don't know.  It's fairly graphic for a film from the 1960's.  What makes this film scary is the stark realism of everything that happens, there's no dramatization of anything.  I will give this film a 6/10.

Blonde Cobra (1963)

Time for us to enjoy yet another intriguing short, and this time it's Blonde Cobra.  Well, let's see.  My daughter/co-film critic is blonde, and I love snakes.  They're so cool.  This should be great.

Well nope.  Why do I have to watch all these shorts, they're so weird! Nothing happens in this movie, nothing! Half the time the screen is blank!  If I wanted to hear unfunny nonsense with no pictures I'd listen to the morning radio show!

I could have taken a hot 30 minute shower instead and gotten more out of life.  I fail to see how this is art, and it's definitely not a film.  I will give this film a 1/10. I believe that art is something that time and effort have been put into, and this is not it.  I realize that many foods are more artsy than this film, especially sushi.  So instead of getting upset at this terrible film, please enjoy these pictures of beautiful sushi:

The Great Train Robbery (1903)

Today's film is The Great Train Robbery.  It's a western made 110 years ago!

The premise is pretty simple.  A group of men go to rob a train, but first they tie up the telegraph operator in the station.  They shoot a few people, who die by sticking their arms straight up in the air above their heads, then falling over.  They get everything they came for and escape to their hideout in the woods.

Meanwhile, the telegraph operator wakes up and uses his hands to hoist himself onto his chair to send out a message.  Then, he remembers he's supposed to be tied up so he quickly holds his hands behind his back like I wouldn't notice.  A girl helps finish "untying" him so he can go get help.  He does, and a posse chases down the evil gang.  The final scene is the best.  It shows a close up of a cowboy who shoots straight at the screen.  This was one of the first films ever made, so the audience was like, oh that was a nice story, OH NO that guy is shooting at me!! That would have been really scary.  I like how the filmmakers thought: hey let's put in a guy shooting at them, that'll scare them!  They have the same sense of humor I do.  I will give this film a 7/10.

Zero for Conduct (Zéro de conduite) (1933)

Today's film is Zero for Conduct.  It's only 40 minutes long, but it's still not worth watching.  It's about a group of boys who return from vacation to school.  It turns out they don't like being in school.  Wow.  Who could have thought of that.  Little kids not wanting to be cooped up in school all day.

Every time the boys disobey, they get a zero for conduct.  It's a very repetitive movie.  Tiny things happen, the boys overreact, and they plot a rebellion.  For example, a teacher steals a student's hidden chocolate stash.  What does the student think will happen once he gets to high school?  That's why high schools have lockers!  If you leave your stuff out, it will be stolen.  They do have one cool teacher, though.  I think all schools have one exceptionally cool teacher.  The rest of the teachers are dull and overbearing.

Then, the boys complain that they are tired of having beans for lunch.  I can remember how horrible the school lunches were here.  But I never thought to plan a rebellion and run across the roof.

Yeah, that's their rebellion.  They all climb into the attic, hurl random objects onto the celebration below and then run across the roof.  And yet, I wonder what the point of this is.  I really got nothing out of this short film.  At least it's short.  I think there were large parts that were cut and didn't make it into the final cut of the film.  At lot of it seems jumpy or missing.  And the film itself didn't age well at all.  It's very grainy.  I will give this film a 5/10.

Flaming Creatures (1963)

Huh. I did not know anyone could film a movie with a potato.

  

This was listed as an "experimental" film, which means it should be innovative. What is innovative about this film? Certainly not the camera technique. That was the equivalent of me handing my two-year-old a camera and letting her run wild around the house. Most of the movie made me feel very dizzy. I do not like feeling this way.

When I say "filmed with a potato", this expression doesn't even come close to describing how blurry and unfocused the footage is. They must have bought the cheapest camera they could find at K-mart and made this movie.

What is this movie about? Good question. The first part is an instructional video on how to put on lipstick. Then we see some penises. And maybe a few boobies, but then mostly penises. I was unable to get a proper head count (lol penis joke) because the footage was so grainy.  There is no story at all, just a few sexual acts and people with bad makeup jobs and naked guys. Kind of like college.

The only reason this film ever got any notoriety is because it was seized by the police for being indecent. They should have just seized it for being awful. I'll give this film a 3/10.

Report (1967)

Whaat? This is not a film! I feel like I've been tricked.  Although, the film is titled Report, and that's all it is. A news report. About the JFK assassination.  As if he's better than all of us.  People die every day.  If he did not want to get shot at, then he shouldn't have ridden in a car with the top down in the middle of Republicanland.

The worst part is that most of it didn't even have any video to go along with it. I thought that was the whole point of a movie - a motion picture with sound.  If one of the elements is missing, it's not a movie.  I listen to the news report every morning with no video. It's called a radio.  Are we going to include morning radio broadcasts in the film list now too? I'm giving this a 0/10 for not being a film at all.

Un chien andalou (An Andalusian Dog) (1929)

I don't even know where to begin. There is nothing I can say that will explain this. I guess this is more of a surreal art piece than an actual film. Film will get a 6/10 for being a pretentious art piece. If I really wanted to see something of Dali's I'd rather drive over to Tampa to that museum of his than watch a movie. Honestly. Also they slice a lady's eyeball for no reason, there's ants coming out of people's hands, and that's gross.

Scorpio Rising (1964)

What!? A short that doesn't suck terribly and doesn't utterly confuse me?

Thanks Kobe for expressing how I feel. The most striking element of this short is that there is no dialogue or score. Throughout the short, there is 50's pop music playing, and in a strange way, the lyrics of the songs help carry us through the story.  The film provides a glimpse into the life of greasers, motorcycle loving-guys from the city.  Along with the gangs of bikers, we see glances of Nazis and Jesus' followers.  Are we all sheep following leaders like these three different groups are? Do we always have to categorize ourselves, whether it be by race, accent, or culture? I don't know. The film doesn't ask any questions at all. Nor does it provide any answers. It simply shows us a moment in time with a very specific group of people.  This film gets a 10/10 for not pissing me off.

Hold Me While I'm Naked (1966)

A poorly acted film with a thin plot and it looks like it was filmed with a cheap cell phone.  But there are lots of nipples in this film. Lots.  The entire movie is only about 15 minutes long.

The top 1001 list covers a lot of different films.  There are amazing ones such as Fight Club, and then there are others, such as Clueless, and you wonder who would have thought to put something like that on a top list.  If you would like to see 15 minutes worth of lady nipples, you can either watch something on the pornhub, or simply find this gem of a short film on youtube.  Fast forward between the director's big head as he slowly walks for two minutes, and the other guy painting on a doll. Seriously, what is that about? Film gets 3/10.

Partie de Campagne (1936)

Here is a 40 minute French short. A family from Paris spends the day in the country. These two country boys  hit on the only two ladies, a mother and daughter, and then they all go rowing on the river.  The daughter starts making out with the guy who sort of looks like Ricky Gervais, and then just leaves to go back to Paris.

Flash forward to a few years later, when the daughter marries the annoying hiccupping guy and returns to the countryside.  She encounters hot Ricky guy once more. She tells him she has always been thinking about him and appears sad that she is not with him.  Hey, nobody held a gun to her head and forced her to marry annoying hiccuping guy. And she only knew Ricky for less than an hour. That's not enough time to form the basis of a relationship.  She doesn't know anything about him apart that he's good at making out. What's his favorite color? Does he enjoy cooking? What's his middle name?  I watched this entire thing and she didn't even ask him once.  You can't say that you've been thinking about someone romantically for such a long time without even knowing the basic facts about him. My husband's middle name is Earl, and I still married him.  

In the beginning, there was a notice that the movie was unfinished. If you're not going to take the time to finish your movie, I'm not going to take the time to give you a good rating. This movie gets a 2/10.

Meshes of the Afternoon (1943)

This short film uses clever camera angles and editing to provide the viewer with a sense of a dreamworld.  It's more of a surrealist art piece than a plot-driven movie.