The Revenant (2015)

Today's film is The Revenant.  We finally get to see a film that Leo gets his Oscar for.

Wow!  Let's talk about how beautiful Argentina is.  The real story of Hugh Glass takes place near South Dakota and Canada, but it was too hot during the time of filming.  So they moved it way down south to a similar climate.  Isn't it amazing that the further south you go, it turns into winter? That's crazy.  This film had the most beautiful scenery, and it was 90% natural lit.  They only used artificial lights during campfire scenes.  This makes me really want to go camping down there.  Just gorgeous.


This film is the mostly true story of Hugh Glass, a fur trapper up in the Dakotas.  He was attacked by a bear and left for dead by his group.  They even took several supplies and his gun so he was even worse off.  Through sheer determination, he somehow crawled 200 miles to the nearest fort and survived.  In real life, he was unable to do anything to the people who abandoned him, but in the film he gets his sweet revenge.

Leo really ramped up his acting skills in order to hopefully win an Oscar.  And it paid off.  Much of the time, he was alone in the woods, so he had no one to bounce off of. He couldn't even speak part of the time due to his throat injury.  And we still got to see the struggles he faced.  Amazing.

We don't know how historically accurate this is because, honestly, not much is written about Hugh Glass.  There is no record of any wife or children, but that doesn't mean there were none.  All we really know is what company he worked for, who was in his party, and that he survived a traumatic bear attack.  But his determination to survive against all odds is truly inspiring.  He is a true badass.  I will give this film an 8/10.

Stagecoach (1939)

Today's film is Stagecoach.  It's supposed to be one of the first decent Westerns.  There have been a lot of Westerns before and after this movie, and honestly most of them aren't that good.

I actually saw this as more of a road trip movie rather than a Western.  Obviously the setting is in the Wild West and there are cowboys and Indians.  But really, this could have taken place anywhere.  Basically, this random group of people are traveling from one town to another and are taking a stagecoach to get there.  There's two ladies, one of whom has a baby during the voyage, a bunch of guys, and John Wayne is there too.  They are being escorted by soldiers through Apache territory, but for part of the voyage they are on their own.

I think this movie is different from most Westerns because it mainly focuses on the interactions between the travelers.   There is a lot of good acting going on, and there aren't too many of the stereotypes we see in all Westerns.

However, one of the last scenes is them being chased by weapon-wielding Apaches, which adds a lot of excitement to the film.  Most of my in-laws are from the Apache tribe and still live out west,  so it's nice to see my husband's family represented in film.  Oh, wait, they're the bad guys in the film, never mind.  My husband still isn't going to watch it since he's very anti black and white film.  But I would like to know his opinion.

After they, for the most part, safely arrive in town, the focus shifts to John Wayne's character.  The people who had him captured for reward reasons let him get his vengeance and then let him escape with his fiancee.  Oh, so he's all of a sudden a good guy now?  All that effort to keep him and now he's just going to leave? Like that?  Come on. For real yall.  This movie wasn't that bad, so I will give it a 7/10.

The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Today's film is The Bridge on the River Kwai, which focuses on a Japanese prison camp during WWII.  A huge troop of British soldiers and officers have been captured, and the director of the camp forces them to build a bridge for the Japanese army.  There's also an American who has been there for some time, but more on him later.

The main officer, Col. Nicholson, plays only by the rules and claims he and the other officers shouldn't be doing manual labor like working on a bridge.  The director, Saito, doesn't care about no stupid Geneva convention and wants as many people as possible working.  This becomes a battle of stubbornness between the two, and we know how stubborn men can be.  Eventually, Nicholson wins and the British set out to build a really good bridge.

Now this bridge becomes a source of British pride for Col Nicholson and he gets really hardcore about it.  He refuses to sabotage any of it, and makes his soldiers build it the best they can, so years later when the war is over, they can all be remembered for this super fantastic bridge of awesome.  That's in the middle of nowhere in a jungle.  They even erect a fancy plaque to commemorate the bridge. Really.

Remember the American dude from the beginning?  Well he escapes and with the help of local villagers, makes a miraculous recovery.  The navy wants him to go back and lead them on a dangerous mission through the jungle - to blow up the bridge on the River Kwai.  He really doesn't want to.  He spent a long time in the awful prison camp, suffered, and saw many people die.  He is starting to get over what he went through and they are forcing him to go back.  He agrees to go with them.  It takes a while but they do make it to the bridge.

They set up the charges to blow up the bridge, but of course Col Nicholson spots them and runs down to investigate.  He really gets in their way of blowing up the bridge, and causes the death of the soldiers responsible for blowing it up.  The soldiers tell him what the mission is about and he realizes he let his personal pride ruin what they were doing.  He falls on the plunger himself and blow up the bridge.  Now when he is hit he lands over there <----  and then falls on the plunger which is over here ------>.   Well that is remarkably convenient.  Overall it was a very enjoyable film.  I will give it a 9/10.

The Jungle Book (1967)

So I figured since I reviewed the live action version last month, I really should review the original Disney version of The Jungle Book.  You can read the review of the 2016 version here.  I actually like the newer version better.

I had the great fortune to watch The Jungle Book in the theaters when it was re-released in the early 90's.  It was originally made in 1967 and was one of the last films approved by Walt Disney himself.  This film is especially rare since the earlier ones focused on princesses more, and there are almost no female characters in this.

The whole film feels a bit rushed.  They also tried to cram too many songs in there.  All anyone ever remembers are Baloo and King Louie's songs so it's not like it matters.  My husband asked me why the vultures looked like the Beatles.  They didn't have the vultures in the live action film, and obviously their song was cut.  They actually were based on the Beatles because the filmmakers wanted them to voice them, but it didn't work out.  I think it would have been hilarious if they actually did.  That makes me think, what is the difference between vultures and buzzards? I really don't know.

The character of Mowgli is also a lot different.  The live action one makes all these inventions, which show off his human cunning and intuition whereas cartoon Mowgli doesn't do this.  The cartoon character also seems a lot younger and more immature.  Live action Mowgli chooses to leave the pack of his own volition in order to protect them from Shere Khan.  The cartoon one simply gets kicked out and doesn't understand.

My daughter really loved Shere Khan.  When he appeared on screen, she would jump out of her seat and yell,  Tiger! Tiger!!! RAWRRR!   I believe this is because my husband and I both went to Auburn and are huge Auburn Tigers fans.  We have tiger stuff all over our house and love tigers.  So Azalea simply can't see a tiger as a villain.

Overall, this isn't the best Disney film, but there are some good songs and it's great to watch with kids.  I will give it a 6/10.

The Jungle Book (2016)

My husband really wanted to see this movie in the theatres, so he took me in the morning.  I was not looking forward to it, because I have already seen The Jungle Book, and its going to be the exact same movie.  The same story, same characters, and the same songs.

The difference is this film can be considered live action.  The animals are computer animated, but they look pretty real.  The main reason he wanted to see the movie is that Christopher Walken played King Louie and Bill Murray played Baloo the bear.  Mowgli is played by an actual human in a realistic jungle setting.  It is a lot different than the first live action Jungle Book film by Disney, the one from the 90s, because that one focuses more on Mowgli's adulthood.  This film is basically a shot for shot remake of the cartoon.

The film does have a more realistic feel to it.  There's nothing more realistic than a 30 foot monkey singing jazz.  There are actually a few scenes that more closely follow the book than the original movie.  They also gave the wolves a bigger part in the film, which makes sense because they raised him.  Also, the elephants are portrayed as wise stewards of the jungle, not a group of marching idiots.  That's because our knowledge of elephants has changed drastically since the 60s.  We now know how intelligent and caring elephants are, when before we thought of them as simply large and destructive.

If you're wondering if the animals sing, they really do.  They sing "The Bare Necessities" and "I wanna be like you".  I have never heard Christopher Walken sing and it is hilarious.  If I had to choose to watch a Jungle Book film again, I would choose this film over the animated one.  I will give this film an 8/10.

Come Drink with Me (Dai zui xia) (1966)

Yay! It's time to watch a kung fu movie and today's will be Come Drink with Me!  This is a fun film that is full of a lot of action.  And it stars a woman!

So the bad guys kidnap the governor's son and hold him for ransom.  The price will be the release of their leader.  The governor sends his best constable to rescue him.  She also happens to be the governor's daughter.

The constable, Golden Swallow, at first wears her hair up in a bun and men's clothes.  Everyone calls her a young man, but it's clearly obvious she's a woman.  This proves a point we learned by watching Mulan: All you have to do is put your hair in a bun and everyone will believe you are a man, no matter how feminine you look.

Golden Swallow is helped by a drunken singing beggar called Drunken Cat.  He is funny and always tries to help her.  She arrives at the temple to fight everyone and rescue her brother.  There are some great fight scenes here.  However, she is hit by a poison dart and runs off.

She is rescued by Drunken Cat, who really is a kung fu master in secret!!  The bad guys are being helped by an evil monk, who is also a kung fu master!  So many kung fu masters, more than you can shake a stick at!!

The bad guy monk wants Drunken Cat's staff for reasons, but he's like NOPE.  And they have awesome kung fu battles.  Meanwhile, Golden Swallow manages to save her brother without having to give up the bad guy leader.  Golden Swallow and her band of female fighters battle with the bad guys.  Then, Drunken Cat and evil monk guy have a battle of the staff.

This movie was exciting and had excellently choreographed fight scenes.  Also, it had decent female characters without being patronizing.   I will give it an 8/10.

Dersu Uzala (1975)

Today's film is Dersu Uzala.  It is fairly predictable but still a nice film.

It reminded me of Tarzan or George of the Jungle or any other film where someone used to living outdoors in the wild is forced to live in the city.  But the film is based around an actual soldier's journal so we know that this is somewhat true.

So a long time ago, over 100 years ago, a group of soldiers were sent by the Russian government to explore the wild lands of Siberia.  They run into a random dude living out there.  His name is Dersu Uzala and he is a member of the golden people.  He had a family with him, but they all died from smallpox decades ago.

Dersu and the soldier Arsenev become friends, and Arsenev relies on wisdom many times.  Sometimes it even saves his life.  He invites him to come with him, but Dersu wants to stay in the wild where he is comfortable and happy.

Years later, Arsenev comes back with a bigger group. He is happy to see Dersu again!  However, a tiger stalks their camp and Dersu shoots it.  It only wounds the animal so he is now afraid he is cursed.  Soon, his eyesight becomes too poor to focus on the animals to shoot.  Arsenev insists that he come with him because a hunter isn't so good when he can't see.

Why didn't he just go and buy Dersu some glasses?  Well, I mean, he's old so he might have a condition like macular degeneration or hardening of the lenses that glasses won't help.  Or, his problem might be psychological.  He is so upset at wounding the tiger that he can't focus on any targets.  We don't know.

Obviously after watching other films like this, we can see how this is going.  Dersu belongs in the woods and can't cope with city life.  Even though he can't see so well, and can't hunt animals or find other ways to feed himself, he still convinces his host family he needs to go.  Arsenev gives him a really good rifle to hunt with.  Unfortunately, Dersu is killed by someone who stole his gun.  I liked this film but it was just too predictable and I couldn't expect anything.  It was directed by Akira Kurosawa so we knew it was going to be a good story.  He was actually invited by the Russian government to make a film because they didn't much access to American television and needed good filmmakers.  It was a nice change of pace from the other Russian films I've seen.  I will give it an 8/10.

Jurassic World (2015)

Jurassic World is one of the most fun movies I have ever seen.  It has dinosaurs and Chris Pratt riding a motorcycle.  Really what more do you need from a movie?

I may be a bit biased because this is part of the Jurassic Park series.  My dad took me to the premier of Jurassic Park when I was eight years old.  Since then, I have watched the sequels and been to the Jurassic Park land at Universal Studios.  My dad also got me all of the books.  Now, my daughter is five years old and she gets to watch a new Jurassic Park movie with me.  This is so great.

So if you don't like dinosaurs this movie is not for you. But what about the first three movies?  We have learned that dinosaurs are very dangerous and will kill people.  But now we are sophisticated enough to stick them in a Seaworld type environment where the dinosaurs are more secure.  Since I work for a large entertainment company, I am very familiar with how theme parks work behind the scenes.  A lot of it is exaggerated and is way more high tech than real life, but that's to make it look cool.  In reality our computers are so old!  And they hardly ever get updated, and the wifi is spotty if it ever works at all.  But we do have a kickass monorail though.

Living in Florida I have the opportunity to visit Citywalk often.  It is a lot of fun, and if you've never been there, it's like a street full of shops and restaurants right before you enter Universal Studios.  It doesn't require a ticket to enter, so it's cheap fun.  The reason I tell you this is because the main street in Jurassic World is identical to Citywalk.  I almost thought they filmed it there, but it turns out they rebuilt a set to look like it.  So Jurassic Park isn't real, but hey Citywalk is.

My favorite part was the cameo of Jimmy Buffett as he runs away from the pterodactyls while carry his margaritas.  

Since we have learned from past experience that dinosaurs are dangerous, there's no more threat from them.  There's even a petting zoo at the park.  But you know us Americans!  We love Danger! Yeah, explosions fire awesome.  Why do you think people watch NASCAR?  It's for the crashes that's why.  So a corporation (of course) sponsors a new breed of dinosaur, specifically created in a lab to be the scariest dinosaur ever.  Not surprising to anyone in the audience, it escapes and destroys everything in its path.  The dinosaur was created by bits and pieces of living animals, so it has many helpful advantages in the wild, such as temperature control and camouflage.  Oh, they also manage a whole subplot about using raptors as weapons for the military so we now got both evil corporate greed mixed with evil government greed.

Here's my theory, which isn't in the movie at all.  Owen realizes that the scary dinosaur, named Indominus Rex, is part raptor which explains her hunting prowess.  She killed all the brontosauruses in the field for fun.  A raptor would have killed and eaten them.  A raptor's goal is to swarm an animal like a pack of wolves and devour it.  But think about this.  She figured out how to escape.  She enjoys solving puzzles and quickly finds answers to problems. She's far smarter than any other dinosaur and uses every adaptation she has to her advantage.  I believe she has human DNA in her.  This explains both her incredible intelligence as well as her viciousness.  I hope they will explore this further in the next movie.

This movie is fun and everything you can expect from a movie about killer dinosaurs.  I will give it a 9/10.

The English Patient (1996)

Today's movie is The English Patient, winner of the 1996 best picture award at the Academy Awards.  But come on, we all know what the greatest movie of 1996 is.  Come on and slam and welcome to the jam.

This film is pretty good, it's just way too long.  And there are way too many subplots.  At the heart of it all, it's just a classic story of a wife cheating on her lovely husband with a much hotter guy.

So, we first find the English Patient as he is being carried away from a burning plane.  He's actually Hungarian but that's not important right now.  What's interesting is that we expect him to be some kind of hero, but he's not.  He's a normal person, and even has some bad traits.

The English Patient's real name is Count Almasy, and his nurse is Hana.  I did not even recognize her until she cut her hair!  She is the same lady from Chocolat.  I love that movie.  She doesn't want to transport him any longer, and knows he only has days to live.  So, she moves into an abandoned building with him like a makeshift hospice.  But she didn't check for bombs or booby traps!  Luckily a crew comes in later to handle that.

Through flashbacks, we learn of Count Almasy's story, and it is pretty sad.  Meanwhile, a romance blossoms between Nurse Hana and a handsome bomb removal guy.  The whole movie, from the beginning of Count's romance to his death, covers the entirety of WWII.  So we see a bit a history in a specific place.  I didn't like Count and Katherine's romance, I thought they were overly rich selfish people.  But Hana and the bomb removal guy's romance was more genuine.

The movie was overall okay, but it ended up with too many plotlines and dragged on because of that fact.  I will give it a 6/10.

The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith (1978)

Today's film is The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith.  It is based on true events.  This happened in the time of the Boer Wars (1899-1902) in which the colony of Australian was sent to fight in southern Africa to help her mother country, Great Britain.  Also at this time, Australia was seeking its independence from Great Britain.

The British settlers saw the aborigines (the original native people of the island) as a lower race not as evolved as they were.  They were given hardly any rights and were basically treated like dirt.  They did not even get the right to vote until 1962.

The film was hard to watch at times, and it is very hard to write about.  I want Jimmie to succeed, but cannot condone violence.  As a person of multiple ethnicities who is married to a Native person, we receive racism from literally every angle.  And it's not 1900 like this movie. It's 2015.  Remember when they try to convince his white wife to leave him and work for them? And she says no because she's married and they don't care about that?  Yeah I get that all the time.  I get hatred from my white side, hatred from my non-white side, and lots of hatred from my husband's family's side.

 It is an endless source of frustration that no matter what he accomplishes he will never be good enough because he's not white.

Jimmie didn't set out to start committing violent acts.  He was driven by intolerance and pure frustration.  But once he started he couldn't stop.  He had to be punished for what he did.

Notice how many people that he and his family encounter aren't racist and try to help him throughout the film.  Only the people in power - cops, wealthy ranchers, educated preacher's wives, are the ones who believe they are better than him and treat him as such.  Maybe that's how they got to be powerful because of their superior attitude towards others.  Look at all the republicans in charge of southerns states here.  I could go on, but there's no way Jimmie could have survived in his own environment or ours.  Nothing has changed.  I will give this film a 7/10.

Thelma & Louise (1991)

I get irrationally angry when characters make bad choices in movies.  So this movie really frustrated me.  Today's film is Thelma & Louise.  Thelma and her friend Louise decide to spend a relaxing weekend at a cabin, fishing.  Their trip takes takes a downturn when they stop at a bar.

Thelma spends all night dancing with some creep at the bar, and after drinking too much, he takes her outside and tries to rape her.  Louise comes to the rescue and shoots him.  Their plan now is to hightail it out of there and go to Mexico.  There are two ideas that are a lot better.  One is that they could tell the police what happened and that it was self defense.  Or they could go to the cabin and pretend everything was normal, and get rid of the gun.  These are some good life pro tips in case you murder someone.

After they make the bad choice to run, they continue to make even worse choices the entire movie. Most of these have to do with Thelma thinking with her vagina and not her head.  Like she picks up a male hitchhiker.  Mainly because he's hot, but she needs to think about their safety more.  Louise gives her her life savings of $6,700 to safeguard in her hotel room.  Why she trusted her with all of the money instead of splitting it I don't know.  Anyway, hot hitchhiker returns and they have some hot sex, and he describes his convenience store robbing career.  So what does Thelma do?  She leaves all the money on the dresser, not the safe, and leaves it alone with a stranger in the room.  Of course it gets stolen.  These women are so unbearably stupid I cannot cheer them on.  This whole time I was told it's a girl power movie.  Yeah a stupid girl movie.

Early 90's selfie!

This is also one of those few movies where I knew the ending before even watching it.  That's because it has been parodied in lots of cartoons and comedies. Also there is so much denim.  I remember wearing a denim jacket and thinking how adult I looked.  Now I am an adult finally and I see this film with everyone wearing all the denim and they look stupid.

After losing their money, Thelma robs a store, and then they lock a cop in his trunk, and then they blow up a truck.  They're on a death mission.  If they would have gone to the police in the beginning, nothing would have happened to them. But they figured they had nothing to lose so they kept doing bad stuff.  I'm glad my daughter didn't watch it with me.  This film glorified all the bad stuff they did.  They're not heroes and they're not good people. I will give this film a 6/10.

Ben-Hur (1959)

Today's film is Ben-Hur.  This film had a huge budget, and they used every bit of it.  Authentic costumes, props, thousands of extras, no expense was spared and that makes one awesome movie. However, some of the editing cuts were pretty bad, but then again it was made in the '50s.

Judah Ben-Hur (played by Charlton Heston) is a Judean prince whose best friend is a Roman, Messala.  Messala (played by Stephan Boyd) is power hungry, and when an important Roman figure is killed by Ben-Hur's poorly maintained roof, he uses this to his advantage.  Instead of forgiving him, he makes an example out of him and sends him off into slavery, and also imprisons his mother and sister.

Ben-Hur spends the next three years as a galley slave, rowing the Roman boats.  He catches the attention of a Roman Consul, Quintus Arrius, and later saves his life when the boat sinks.  Arrius is so grateful that he petitions for his freedom and later adopts him as his son and teaches him how to drive chariots.  However, Ben-Hur is still consumed by his quest for revenge against Messala and he returns to his hometown.

Now here comes the part we've all been waiting for: the chariot race.  Ben-Hur meets a sheik that owns beautiful white horses and asks him to run the big race.  Once he finds out Messala is running too, he agrees.  Because the race is so dangerous, either one could die while doing it.  So now he can kill Messala in a semi-legal way, which somehow makes it better.  Messala may be an ass, but he hasn't killed anyone.  Meanwhile, Ben-Hur killed two guards while escaping prison, and then more people while the boat was sinking.

The chariot race scene itself had 15,000 extras.  The little town my husband lived in had 6,000 people living it it.  Ok?  So 6000 people in town and then over twice as many were in one scene in a movie, that's how big this scene was.  That's amazing.  The race was exciting, and Messala pulled some straight James Bond shit with his sharp wheels.  However, Ben-Hur won, which is not surprising because it is his movie.  Messala is dying from his injuries but Ben-Hur doesn't even care.  Was killing him really worth it?  Did it really change anything?

Meanwhile, he finds out that his imprisoned mother and sister contracted leprosy.  A remedy wasn't available back then.  Fun fact: leprosy takes about 3-5 years before symptoms appear.  They were imprisoned for 3 years, meaning they could have caught it long before they were imprisoned.  So, Ben-Hur killed the bad guy and will marry his slave's hot daughter (who is a terrible actress and took away from the scenes) but what will happen to his mother and sister?

One of my lit teachers told us about "deus ex machina" - basically, the writer can't end the story (like the plot has come to a standstill or they face an impossible problem) so something unexpected happens to solve the problem almost by magic.  It comes from Greek theater where a god would appear at the end to fix everything.  Well, this is how they solved the leprosy problem - Jesus, who by now has had a few cameos, uses his +5 god magic to heal them.  Wow.  Did not see that coming.  So the moral of the story is, if one of your friends betrays you, make sure you kill enough people to survive, and kill him too, then Jesus will heal your family.  Cause that's what happened.

Since so much effort was put into this movie, it really is a spectacle.  I will give it an 8/10.

Goldfinger (1964)

This year is the 51st anniversary of Goldfinger.  This time, Bond is asked to follow Auric Goldfinger, a jeweller that has gold literally everywhere.  How is he moving it across borders?  Of course, if it's done illegally, then the government is going to seize some.  The government wants some of that gold pie and are sending Bond to do their dirty work.  Bond's like adddventure time and leaves immediately to follow them. 

Adddventure Time!! - James Bond, probably

He has met Goldfinger before, and banged his girlfriend.  Goldfinger retaliates by making his minions paint her gold, which kills her of "skin suffocation".  Ok, we don't breathe through our skin. We're not frogs. Come on.  Bond needs to learn to say no sometimes.

While driving along following Goldfinger, Bond encounters Tilly the terrible sniper, who is out for revenge for her sister's death.  Her sister is the gold-painted girl.  After an awesome car chase inside a building, Bond is captured and almost killed.  By a laser! In the book, it was a tablesaw but lasers are awesomer.  This is actually the first time a laser appears in a film.  Bond bluffs his way out of death and is taken to Auric's horse ranch in America.  The pilot of his plane's name is Pussy Galore, which is the best Bond girl name ever.  She rejects his advances because she's a lesbian.  Pussy Galore is the real hero of the story!  She flies a plane, does judo, and saves the day!

Goldfinger plans to gas the area around Fort Knox to render everyone unconscious so he can reach the gold.  However, the gas he plans to use is deadly.  Pussy Galore switches out the gas tanks on her flying brigade's planes so they won't kill anyone.  In the book, Goldfinger does plan to steal all the gold.  But in the movie, Bond uses his math skills to show how impossible this is.  So Goldfinger's new plan is to blow a dirty bomb on it, which won't destroy it, but irradiate it and make it useless.  This in turn will make Goldfinger's gold worth more.  Bond does manage to kill Oddjob, but someone else turns the bomb off and without Galore's intervention, everyone would have died.  This is the most exciting Bond film so I will give it a 7/10.

From Russia with Love (1963)

Yay! A film based on my favorite book - From Russia with Love!  This is the second Bond film made, both starring Sean Connery.  Bond has such cool stuff. He has a folding rifle, car phone, mini tape recorder, and this book was written in 1957!  Bond is straight up future!

The movie is a bit more convoluted than the book.  Originally, it was simply the Russians who set up Tatiana to meet Bond.  But the filmmakers had to toss SPECTRE into the mix again, rendering the Russians innocent.  So SPECTRE is playing the Russians and the British against each other.

Tatiana is played by Daniela Bianchi, who won Miss Universe in 1960.  Bond in the movies look different from the books, mainly because we have to look at him.  He has black hair, blue eyes, and has scars.  He's not great looking.  Ian Fleming intended him to be a dull person that awesome things happen to.  But in the movies he's different.

 

 

Even though MI6 knows it's a trap, they send Bond to retrieve the Lector (a codebreaking machine) from Tatiana, who has promised it in return for safe passage to England.  Bond meets Kerim Bay while in Turkey, who helps him during his mission.  They decide to travel by train to England.  It would have been smarter and quicker to travel by plane, because Bond flew to Turkey, didn't he?  Well this is what we call a plot device, since traveling on a train will take days, there's more chance of dangerous and exciting things happening.  There'd be no movie if he just flew back!

 

 

Lots of villains try to attack Bond, but fail. There's lots of action, and even a boat chase! Exciting!

 

Remember when I mentioned that Bond dies in this novel? Well he does. He's killed by Klebb, the scary Soviet lady.  In the movie, she's more timid of her boss rather than scary.  She's killed by Tatiana in an effort to prove her loyalty, so Bond doesn't die in the film.

 

Even though the filmmakers made this film more complicated than it needed to be, it was still an enjoyable watch.  I will give it a 6/10.

Dr. No (1962)

I read all of the James Bond novels in college, so I've never seen any of the movies.  I don't feel like I need to, because books are always better than movies.  But, most of the series is on the list, so I'm going to go ahead and just watch them all.  I'm going to compare them to the books a little bit.

Today's film is Dr. No, which is the first film, but not the first book.  All the books make references to the events and characters in the other books, but this one requires no previous knowledge.  Quarrel and Strangways met Bond in Live and Let die, but they simply meet in this film.  And, when M fusses at Bond to use a better gun because his Beretta jams on the last mission, he's referring to the mission in From Russia With Love (that's the first book I read).  Now if Q gives him all his weapons, wouldn't he have given him the Beretta too?  Yep! A fan wrote to Ian Fleming complaining about Bond's gun, so this complaint dealt with here.

There have been other films with action in them before, but none like this.  The others have had elements of mystery or suspense, and this is just straight up action.  It ushered in a new era of action movies and started an entire franchise lasting all the way to modern times.  We are still making and watching Bond films to this day.

The plot is simple.  Dr. No and his goons are bad; James Bond and the British people are good.  Also, the Americans are good, but we really don't need their help.  Also, space travel is good, radiation is bad.  We don't learn anything about Dr. No, or his metal hands, but we know he's using radiation to stop Americans from launching their space shuttle.

The book goes into more detail about Dr. No and why he has metal hands.  The film matches up to the book pretty well, it just leaves out a lot.  It's like reading the cliffnotes.  You just get what you need for the basic plot and nothing else.  This leads us to have nothing but excitement the whole time.

When Bond sees Honeychile (called Honey in the film) on the beach, she is butt naked, but is not attractive since she has a broken nose.  In the film, she's beautiful, not disfigured, and wearing a bathing suit.   Even though several different actors play Bond in the films, it's not really different than reading the books.  He dies in From Russia with Love, and in the next book, he's totally fine! He's like a Looney Tunes character!  In this sense it's okay for different people to play him. I will give this film a 6/10.

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Today's film is Full Metal Jacket.  Turns out its more than just my heart that sent me to the hospital, so I've had a ton of tests and I'm on lots of painkillers.  yaaayyy.  I am so high. So excuse my writing.

I really liked the first half of it, the half where the recruits are training to be Marines.  I have heard a lot of stories from friends who went through it, but I've never actually seen anything like it.  I thought the actors playing Joker and Gomer Pyle did a really great job.  Pyle tried so hard, but he is so dumb.  He can't tell his left from his right.  You can tell from when they march he messes up (left right left right) and that Joker has to teach him very carefully how to lace boots.

Even though Pyle tries hard, he ends up messing up every day.  So he finally destroys his main tormentor (the drill instructor) and then kills himself.  But thats not the end of the movie.  It jumps into the future where the war is.  So we see Joker and his friend as a reporter and photographer doing news stuff for the military.

The war is mostly boredom peppered with moments of terror.  We see mostly men throughout the film and the only women we have seen are all prostitutes.  So far.  Joker wears a peace sign button on his vest while his helmet says "Born to Kill".  He is questioned about this, and being the writer-type dude he is, says it has to do with the whole "duality of man" thing.  I'm out of it so the only thing I can think of is pink camo.  Like this sweet ass rug.  It's camo because we like to hunt and be outdoors.  And  its pink because we like girly cute things and twirling around.  Duality of man thing

Joker and his friend, Rafterman join a group as they near an abandoned area.  However, there is a lone sniper there who manages to kill a few people.  They decide to go in there and find the sniper for revenge.  And find out that the sniper is actually a young woman.  It is up to Joker to kill her, but it is obvious that he has never killed anyone before.  But, he does it and the war continues on like normal.  Just another day in the war.  I will give this film an 8/10.

Out of Africa (1985)

Today’s film is Out of Africa.  I watched this film purely for the landscape shots.  I think that the countryside of Africa is absolutely gorgeous.  I would totally move there if not for the malaria and other diseases they have there.

Our main character, Karen, married for title and money, not for love.  Big mistake there.  She moves to Kenya from Denmark with her husband with hopes to start a plantation.  But her husband changes his mind, and his idea for a coffee farm loses them money.  Meanwhile, Karen falls in love with the rogue big-game hunter, Denys, played by Robert Redford. She totally cheats on her husband with him, but it’s okay, because it’s true love.

Meryl Streep did a great job in this movie as Karen, and her character holds the movie together.  Originally, she was not even considered for the part because the director didn't think she was sexy enough.  She got the part because during her meeting with him, she went all out, wearing a push-up bra, low cut shirt, and everything.  You gotta do what you have to the land the big parts.

Much romance and drama happens, and then Denys dies in a plane crash.  So that’s the end.  It would be a typical cheating-on-spouse love story, but what really sells it is the beauty of the surroundings.   I liked how they tried to keep their stuffy European ways even in a wild setting.  Some parts drag on, but it is an overall decent film.  I will give this film a 6/10.

King Kong (1933)

Today's film is King Kong.  I watched the new one directed by Peter Jackson first, and I really liked that, so I wanted to see the original.  The part of King Kong shall be represented by pictures of Rob Ryan, because I can.

So, we have our director, Denham, who is famous for making dangerous adventure films in the jungle.  His latest film expedition will take him to a remote island, where he is sure he will see something amazing.  The only problems is that the critics pan his films because there’s no romance in them.  So now he has to find a girl brave enough to come on expedition with him.  Most actresses’ agents won’t even let them audition for him. 

Denham finds a starving artist/actress while walking the streets of New York at night.  Her name is Anne and she agrees to go with him.  One of the sailors is mad because supposedly having a woman on board is bad luck (but sailors think everything is bad luck anyway) but we can tell he is totally crushing on her.

They get to the remote island, called Skull Island, in time to witness some kind of ceremony.  The chief and medicine man spot Anne and offer to trade six of their native women for her.  They say something about a bride for Kong, but at this point we don’t even know what a kong is. 

Late at night, the native sneak on the boat and kidnap Anne!  The men on the boat go to rescue her, but she is already in the clutches of King Kong.  King Kong is a giant gorilla that has taken an instant shine to Anne, because she is so beautiful.  

I wonder what happened to all the other girls that were supposed to be his brides.  King Kong, and the men who follow him, are attacked by all sorts of dinosaurs.  Everything is done in stop-motion, like the dinosaurs in Land of the Lost.  When the men encounter the dinosaurs, they instantly start shooting at it.  It's like, Oh look a majestic creature no one's seen in millions of years - let's throw gas bombs at it!

Now, hang on, I've seen enough episodes of Dinosaur Train to know that sauropods don't eat people.  Also, they need their own car because they are so big.  I had hoped they would only throw a gas bomb to knock them out, but they also shoot the dinosaurs to death, so if all the dinosaurs in the world weren't extinct then, they certainly are now.

King Kong defends his lady against the dinosaurs that attack him, as well as the men he perceives as a threat.  He very easily disposes of the humans, and wrestles the various dinosaurs to death.  I think that King Kong was the most powerful creature on the island, and as long as the natives left him alone and did whatever ceremonies they do, he protected them from the dinosaurs as well.  After he defeats a creature, he beats his chest and makes his triumphant cry:

Denham, and the remaining surviving crew gas-bomb and capture King Kong, as Denham intends on bringing it back to the mainland as an attraction.  Sort of like a giant sideshow.

Lots of questions arise for the transporting of King Kong.   Where did they keep him?  In the beginning, they mentioned have too many men, and yes some of them died, but where are they housing everyone on this boat, and now there’s a 50 ft gorilla?  Or is he an ape?  What’s the difference? 

So even though we’re not sure how he got there, he ends up in New York City, where Denham plans to display him for $10 a ticket.  Man I don’t have $10 for a ticket now, that must have been a million dollars back then.  Then, King Kong totally escapes and starts rampaging the city.  Even though New York has the biggest cop force in the world, they must not have shown up today and King Kong manages to kidnap Anne again and climb up the Empire State Building.

As King Kong rampages the city (also earlier in the jungle), we see he likes to pick up people and put them in his mouth.  He doesn't eat them, but they die anyway.  Now we know what happened to his other brides.  As he climbs the Empire State Building with Anne, the police send out airplanes to shoot him down.  Even long before I watched the movie, I already knew how it ends, mainly because the image of King Kong swatting at the airplanes while high atop a skyscraper is so famous.  Here's what King Kong would have looked like when he saw the "weird birds" (cause he doesn't know what planes are) surrounding him and knowing there was no escape:

So, that's the end of King Kong. This movie has been re-released and remade since the 1950s.  So I'm sure we will see more installments.  I will give this film a 7/10.  Now, normally I don't post pictures of my family, but here we are at the King Kong ride at Universal Studios in the 1980s.  I'm the one in the pink:

Lola rennt (Run Lola Run) (1998)

Today's film is Run Lola Run, a film which is part fantasy, part video game, all with a fast paced soundtrack.  Lola is our fiery-red haired heroine who must come up with $100,000 in twenty minutes in order to save her boyfriend, Manni.  Manni was supposed to deliver it to his boss, but left it on the subway, where it was picked up by a homeless guy.

Lola thinks, then runs down the stairs of her apartment.  The running down the stairs scene is animated.  This will be explained momentarily.  Her plan is to ask her rich dad, who runs a bank if she could borrow the money.  That's the best plan she has for now.  As she runs, she encounters different people, and we see snapshots of their future.

Her dad is at work in his office, talking to his mistress.  Lola barges in as his mistress confesses to being pregnant.  Lola's dad throws her out of the office and tells her that she is not his biological child and that he will stay with his mistress.  Lola walks off crying.  Meanwhile, Manni becomes impatient and goes to rob the nearby grocery store, hoping to regain the money he lost.  Lola arrives too late, and agrees to help him.

They get the money and are stopped by police.  One of the cops shoots Lola, killing her.  She starts whispering and then the whole movie starts over again, and we see the cartoon scene of her running down the stairs.  This is where the film is like a video game, the cartoon part is the cut-scene that never changes no matter how many times you play it.  The choices Lola makes during the twenty minutes determine what happen to her and Manni.

This time, Lola runs towards the bank, where her dad and mistress are talking, as usual.  This time, Lola comes a bit later, so her dad learns that his mistress' baby is not his at all.  Lola comes in and asks for the money.  Of course, it's too much and he won't give it to her.  Lola decides to rob the bank and escape.  She runs towards Manni, hopeful that she was successful.  Manni then gets hit by an ambulance and dies.

So, their choices influence each other.  When Lola does the wrong thing and robs the bank, Manni dies.  When Manni does the wrong thing and robs the store, Lola dies.  Lola has to find some other way to get the money.  Lola starts the level over again and we see the cut-scene once more.

In this level, neither Manni nor Lola rob anyone.  Manni chases down the homeless man and demands his bag of money bag.  The homeless man agrees if he can have Manni's gun.  I personally would not give a homeless person a gun, but he does anyway.  Also, Lola doesn't go to the bank at all, but sees a casino.  She thinks, please just this once, and goes to place some bets.  The luck factor in video games is a lot different than in real life, so she wins, and leaves with her winnings to find her boyfriend.  So not only did Manni get the money back himself,  but Lola got a ton of money too.  And they lived happily ever after.

Every time I watch this film, I find something new or something I didn't notice before.  This movie is very fast paced.  Every choice Lola makes not only influences herself, but Manni and even random people.  The snapshots we see of the minor character's lives change each time she passes them.  I will give this film a 10/10.

Total Recall (1990)

Today's film is Total Recall.  I remember watching this on TV quite a few times as a child, but never really grasped what was going on.  Turns out it is a lot more mindbending than I had anticipated.

Governator Schwarzenegger plays Doug Quaid, a construction worker that decides to go on a virtual vacation.  Something goes wrong and he finds out that he is a secret agent that is supposed to go to Mars and that he has a vital secret.  Is what is happening an elaborate dream and is his body still at the Recall vacation place?  Or is he key to saving Mars?

Super Towel Man here to save Mars

Doug's original name before he got his memory changed is Hauser.  Hauser was a bad guy working for Cohaagen, the main man on Mars, but switched sides when he discovered his secret.  Was Hauser's memory erased so he would forget the secret?  Or did Hauser really do it to himself so he could fool the psychics and infiltrate the rebel gang?  Doug declares that he is not Hauser anymore, but was he ever Hauser?  Or did losing his memory change his demeanor?  There have been victims of brain damage that have changed personality.  It makes me wonder that if damage to your brain can change your personality or consciousness, which I have seen firsthand, does that negate the existence of the soul?  We were taught in school that souls were our consciousness, but if something as simple as a knock on the head (or a memory cap like in this film) can change that, was it ever there to begin with?

That's what the film made me think.  Besides the mindbending parts, there is the usual action that accompanies Schwarzenegger films.  I enjoyed the fight scenes, and even the women are great fighters.  The makeup was also great.  Many of the characters were mutants and they had to look believable.  Yes, I did not forget the lady with three boobs.  This film is so much fun.  I will give it an 8/10.

No damsels in distress in this film!